


Going in Circles

by fauxtales



Category: Kingdom Hearts (Video Games)
Genre: Angst, Complicated Relationships, Implied/Referenced Sex, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-06
Updated: 2020-11-06
Packaged: 2021-03-08 18:14:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,323
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27421018
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fauxtales/pseuds/fauxtales
Summary: Looking back, Axel doesn’t think they’ve actually been getting anywhere. Just stumbling in circles closer and closer to a cliff edge that is looking more and more appealing.
Relationships: Axel/Saïx (Kingdom Hearts)
Kudos: 18





	Going in Circles

Looking back, Axel doesn’t think they’ve actually been getting anywhere. Just stumbling in circles closer and closer to a cliff edge that is looking more and more appealing. Sure, Saïx has climbed the ranks of the organization, is now the trusted right hand of the Superior, and Axel has managed to become the official assassin, sent to worlds beforehand to destabilize them and make them easier to cast into the darkness, but that is all so inconsequential in the grand scheme of things. That was the plan, after all.

The plan wasn’t to fall apart. It wasn’t to drift so far away from each other that all their attempts to communicate fall flat. Sometimes Axel feels like they’re speaking different languages. He can’t understand Saïx’s decisions and Saïx doesn’t understand Axel’s disagreement and they’re staring at each other across a canyon that they dug themselves and unable to speak because what would be the point?

Should they keep trying? Rebuilding their broken relationship seems like a feat harder than destroying a cult from the inside ever did. Axel finds himself floating aimlessly through his not-life, doing as he’s told just because that’s what he’s supposed to do. He’s going through the motions, but there’s no heart behind it - HA - and he doesn’t know if he would care anymore even if he was capable of it.

Watching their relationship fall apart is like watching a trainwreck unfolding in front of him. Axel can’t look away, but he’s powerless to stop it.

Getting back from another mission that spanned a longer time than it really should have, Axel drops into his bed. It’s not very comfortable, but then again, neither is the existence of a Nobody, so why should they make anything more comfortable? Axel remembers the feeling of bitterness in his chest. He rolls over and closes his eyes.

Some time later, there’s a knock on Axel’s door. He doesn’t open his eyes and doesn’t respond, willing whoever is it to give up and go away. But of course Saïx is too stubborn to give up, so when Axel doesn’t respond he just comes in anyway, waltzing in as if this were his room instead. Sometimes Axel thinks that it might be. Between the two of them, Saïx is the one with all the control.

“You never reported in to me,” Saïx says, starting right in with no lead in whatsoever. Axel considers for a moment pretending to be asleep. Maybe Saïx will leave. But then Saïx steps over to the bed and leans over him and Axel sighs.

“Yeah. And?” Axel looks up at Saïx through the mess of his hair. The glare in Saïx’s gold eyes burns into Axel’s skin.

“And? You need to turn in your reports,” Saïx gripes. Axel turns his head to press it back to the bed, preparing himself for the incoming lecture. “You can’t come back from a mission and just go to bed. There is a procedure, and I need to know what’s going on. Especially with you!” Saïx actually sounds exasperated for once. Axel presses a wry smile into the blankets.

“Especially with me, huh? I never would have guessed you were so obsessed with me.” Axel keeps his voice flatly neutral, but even so he is sure the bitter sarcasm sneaks in anyway. “You in love with me or something?”

“Axel, this is serious.” Saïx is starting to sound angry now. Good. “We’re juggling too many things for you so start dropping the ball now. If I don’t know what you’re doing, I can’t keep Xigbar from looking into things more. He’s already too nosy as it is. Do you want to be turned into a dusk?”

“Maybe I do.” Axel sits up suddenly, glaring at Saïx with all the heat of the fire under his skin. His chest aches with forgotten pain. “Would you miss me, if I turned into a dusk? Or would you just be glad to have another mindless puppet at your disposal? Hm?” The laugh that escapes Axel is short and humorless. “I suppose you would prefer I turned into a berserker though, right? Those are the ones that listen to you perfectly after all…”

“You’re being ridiculous,” Saïx scoffs. He refuses to look at Axel now. The temperature in the room is rising with Axel’s distress, the ghost of flames skittering along his shoulders as he draws circles on his blankets with a single finger. “You’re much more useful to me like this than as a dusk or some other lesser nobody. Or you are when you actually do your job. Honestly, I don’t know what’s gotten into you lately.”

“That makes two of us,” Axel mumbles.

They’re just going in circles. It’s impossible to figure out how to fix this, when there are so many forces acting against them. Axel flops back on his bed and stares at the ceiling.

“What do you really want, Saïx?”

“I don’t know what you mean.”

There’s the sound of shifting feet to Axel’s side, but he doesn’t look over at it. He keeps his eyes glued to the grey of the ceiling, imagining that it’s a crystal blue sky with fluffy white clouds floating through it instead. Once upon a time, they would sit together for hours in Radiant Garden and watch the clouds go by. If only their home hadn’t ceased existing the same moment they had.

Blue hair and gold eyes block Axel’s view of his imagined sky. Axel stares into that gold, wishing he could find some sort of familiarity in them. Then again, they are familiar, just for all the wrong reasons. Axel sees Xemnas staring back at him for a moment. His skin crawls. He reaches one hand up to trail his fingers along the X in Saïx’s skin.

It feels like they’re standing in the middle of a battlefield and if Axel makes the wrong move, the bombs around them will go off all at once. Saïx might survive it - he’s gotten himself the armor for it - but Axel has always been a weapon. Fire consumes itself if it’s not careful and Axel thinks that the flames in his chest are going to burn him out someday.

He already feels so hollow.

It’s almost a relief when Saïx’s lips meet his. It’s a change in direction from the rest of their conversation, a different subject altogether that lets Axel get lost rather than be stuck in this hideous moment. Hands tangle in hair and the bed creaks as Saïx climbs fully into it and Axel wishes this one moment would never end.

If they could stay like this, they’d never have to face anyone else. Axel could cling to the semblance of emotion in his chest and not have to think about the flames under his skin eating him from the inside out or the monster under Saïx’s trying to turn him into a mass of rage and destruction. None of it would matter because they could just spiral down into the memory of when their relationship had actual meaning.

Axel wonders what would happen if he stepped off the cliff into the canyon between them. Would Saïx drop over the edge after him and meet him at the bottom? Or would those cold eyes watch Axel plummet to his death and then turn away?

If only Axel could be sure of the answer, he might try to move.

Instead, he just goes through the motions again, trapped in an endless cycle even in this. It’s nothing new, the way Saïx’s lips slide against his, the way Saïx’s hand grips his hair and his hip. Axel claws at Saïx’s back through his dark coat and lets whatever is left of their relationship fade into a pale shadow between them.

It can’t be saved now anyway. No matter how hard they may try, it’s been dead for years.

Just like the Nobodies they have become.


End file.
